My brain is in many different places right now. I don’t know what to think, or how to feel, and things are coming to mind that I don’t want to remember, things I don’t want to feel, things I don’t understand. I am confused and anxious. Too many things are happening all at once and it is throwing me off. It is…overwhelming. I am looking forward to these next few days, but I am unsure of what my future holds. I am worried about this, especially with the way today’s events unfolded. My eyes have been opened to many things today, including how quickly time passes. Many happenings in the past year have each showed me new ways and new reasons that time passes so quickly. My mind…and my heart are confused. I don’t know what to do about many things. I don’t even think I am making any sense. I won’t be clear though. What am I doing with my life? I need to answer this question before I take another step that I will regret. Each regretted step I take is a blow to the stomach of my life. The more I take, the more unsettled my life becomes. I just…have no idea what to do. We will see…
- Me: You want a gummy bear?
- Justin: No thanks.
- Me: What?! These are Haribo! You don't say no to Haribo!!
- Justin: I just did.
I began writing a song for Justin yesterday. I got down a simple tab on the guitar for the full song, and wrote some lyrics, but I haven’t come up with a melody for the lyrics yet. I also need to come up with a real title for the song. It is temporarily titled “Justin” at the moment. No wait, I think I called it “Bear”. Maybe I will leave it. We’ll see.
I like the way it has turned out so far. I’ve never written a song before, and when I have tried in the past, it never turns out this quickly. I’m pretty excited about it, actually. I hope I can finish it before tomorrow, and I really hope he likes it. I’m feeling kind of modest about it. I don’t know if it is any good or not, I just wrote how I feel about him. How I’m grateful for him and how I love him and how I love doing the things we do together and how I love everything about him. Ah, I’m too embarrassed to post the lyrics! Even on a blog that no one reads except for myself. *sigh*
If I don’t finish this by tomorrow, I’ll make it a present for our one year anniversary. That wouldn’t be the only present, though. I want to get him something really nice for our one year, but I have no idea what that would be. I can’t get him a guitar because it’s too expensive and he already has eight guitars. I suppose I could get him music. Like…maybe some DVD concerts of his favorite bands. Or I could download them and burn them to DVD for him. That’d be free! But I’d still need to buy him something…well, I don’t need to, but I really want to. I want to bake for him, also. Chocolate chip cookies, maybe. Laced with Nutella! What an idea! Hmm…maybe I could purchase him a really nice jacket. I know he likes jackets. I like jackets, too. Well, no jackets, more like petticoats and sweaters. He likes nice jackets, though. He has some really nice ones from thrift stores and from his uncle. Or…maybe I could purchase concert tickets, or take him somewhere beautiful. Oh! Maybe we could go to Mount Shasta for our anniversary! I love it up there, it’s just gorgeous, and he has never been! I must keep this in mind.